Horror Film Wisdom

by admin on January 26, 2014

Some things never fail and horror film plots belong in that category. Horror film wisdom is a collection of all classic Do’s and Don’ts of those films.

  1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
  2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
  3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
  4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it’s unlikely they’ll die easy, so be prepared.
  5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.
  6. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
  7. If you’re running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.
  8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.
  9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  10. hen something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
  11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
  12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
  13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you’ll never have to reload).
  14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
  15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
  16. If you are a child, don’t panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
  17. If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.

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